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Heard in a hardware shop in Limavady:
Farmer John: "Give us a lump o'rope."
Shopkeeper: "How much would you be wanting, John? We sell it by the metre or by the yard."
John: "Which is cheaper?"
Shopkeeper: "Well, it works out the same, a metre is a bit longer than a yard."
John: "Right then, I'll have me lump in metres."

Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys at his school got new suits, but we can't afford to buy him one. Instead we're going to buy him a new hat and just let him look out the window.
Notes: Excerpted from an Irish mother's letter to her son

It was cold and rainy in Ballynahinch where I was spending my summer holiday, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. "I've been waiting all year for this holiday so I could get some colour," he said. "And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue."

Father Michael O'Connor tells of the Sunday after Mass when he was approached by one of his elderly parishioners."Oh Father, says she, "you'll never know what your homily meant to me. It was just like water to a drowning man!"

Shaw was in a second-hand bookstore, poring over volumes which had been considerably marked down, when he came across a book containing his own plays. It was inscribed, moreover, to a friend, beneath whose name on the flyleaf, GBS saw the following, written in his own hand: "With the compliments of George Bernard Shaw." He promptly bought the book. That afternoon, he sent the volume back to the early recipient with his updated inscription: "With renewed compliments, GBS."

Not only our countrymen utter Irish bulls. Samuel Goldwyn gained such notoriety for this type of blunder that it rivaled his reputation as a Hollywood filmmaker. He said of one of his stars, "We're overpaying him, but he's worth it." To someone who annoyed him, he remarked, "I never liked you, and I always will." More recently, Yogi Berra, the former New York Yankees catcher, demonstrated a particular genius for statements that contain an element of sprung logic. "It ain't over 'till it's over," is, perhaps, his most famous remark. But he also uttered these priceless gems: "Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching." He is also credited with saying that "Ninety-nine percent of this game is half mental" and "Half the lies they tell me aren't true." One day someone asked him, "What time is it?" and Berra replied, "You mean right now?"

Typical of a conversation you might yet hear in Ireland. Says he " I'm fifty years a Pioneer." (member of a temperance movement). Replies his friend: "Please God you'll live to break it."

Oliver St. John Gogarty
I said "It is most extraordinary weather for this time of year." He replied, "Ah, it isn't this time of year at all." from 'It isn't this time of year at all'

Michael Collins arrives at the ceremony to take down the British flag.
British officer: You're seven minutes late, Mr. Collins.
Michael Collins: You've kept us waiting 700 years. You can have your seven minutes.
And, as the British flag comes down:
Michael Collins: So that's what all the bother was about.

An American tourist was visiting the Ulster Museum in Belfast and asked the age of a particular fossil. The attendant told him it was 3 million years and 9 months old. "How on earth can they be so accurate?" asked the visitor. The attendant replied "Well sir, when I started work here they told me it was 3 million years old, and I'm here 9 months".

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